Parts Unknown: WWE’s Mysteries And Burning Questions

Brad Milner — Contributor — @ BylineBeat

(Panama City, Florida) Professional wrestling, er sports entertainment, is full of oddities. Storylines sometimes are convoluted and sometimes they just end for no reason and with no explanation. Characters are larger than life and some work, some don’t.

Wrestling also brings up questions. Many times that question is “what were they smoking?” but other occasions it’s simply just something that has no reason for existing.

Here are some of the WWE’s mysteries and burning questions, well at least ones rolling in my head, and possible answers:

What’s With Ryback’s Eye?

Anyone who’s paid attention to Ryback in recent weeks will notice he’s had at least a pair of shiners on his left eye. The latest regressed from a minor mark to what can only be described as full blown “pink eye” this week. Of course, they surely wouldn’t let him wrestle with such an ailment, or at least you’d hope not, but it was eerily similar.

Twitter was abuzz about what went wrong with his eye. Some people surmised he was in a fight with Brock Lesnar over food. That’s possible given the fact ole Brocky looks like he’s indulged in more Twinkies these days.

Perhaps Ryback follows suit with the man he’s compared to, Goldberg. Many of the comparisons are tired by now, but Goldberg was notorious for head butting lockers before matches to get pumped up. You could see proof of this as spots on his head would trickle with blood when he would wrestle.

Maybe Ryback is doing the same thing or maybe he’s having allergic reactions to spandex. In any case, it’s not a great look and kind of takes away from his imposing ways. What guy can be totally fearsome with pink eye, am I right?

Why Does Lesnar Sound Like A Pansy?

Don’t get me wrong, Lesnar has been gifted with great athleticism in his time on Earth. He’s been an excellent performer in wrestling and in mixed martial arts. He draws crowds and is someone worth watching.

Until he opens his mouth, that is.

Not only is Lesnar not gifted with the world’s greatest vocabulary, but his voice sounds like a 100-pound mailman from Minnesota. It’s hardly terrifying to hear him try to talk trash, which is why Paul Heyman was brought back to be his mouthpiece.

Lot of good that did Lesnar this week, however.

Lesnar and Heyman interrupted Shawn Michaels. Lesnar did his best to look pissed as Michaels informed him that Triple H would beat him at SummerSlam and what not. Then Lesnar grabbed the microphone.

Heyman put his hand over his head, likely as if to show Michaels that he was “in for it.” What he probably was lamenting was what Lesnar was about to say.

What came out were threats to HHH and Michaels. What it sounded like was a member of the Little Rascals trying to stir up shit. Yeah, laugh worthy isn’t getting the job done.

The only possible answer? The Universe hates Lesnar or his balls are the size of cashews. You decide.

Where Were The Divas?

We all had wondered where the Divas were the past few weeks on Raw. We finally had a Divas match this week with Eve ending up the loser. The winner, much to the chagrin of many in the world, was Kelly Kelly.

I’m not in the corner of hate about Kelly Kelly. As a matter of fact I like here just fine, thank you very much. She has a body from hell and her skills in the ring have improved.

Eve has been given the short end of the stick lately, but she deserves it, as I’m sorry to say, but Kelly Kelly is hotter. You can go stick that in your Twitter. And for real, who wouldn’t take a stink face from Kelly Kelly?

That said, Kelly Kelly is another one who shouldn’t really open her mouth. Well, to speak at least, but unlike Lesnar, we know she’s not supposed to have balls so that’s not her excuse.

What’s The Purpose of Tout?

The new, fancy social media micro video app (that’s a mouthful) has been shoved in our faces lately. Word is WWE put $5 million into Tout, a drop in the bucket for them, and is a part owner, so it stands to reason we will get so many Tout plugs that we’ll be dreaming of them in coming weeks.

But what’s the point? We often hear of a superstar touting, but we rarely see it on television. It would behoove WWE to show more of these.

But if you ask me what’s the real point? Well, apparently it’s to show the world that Tom Arnold and Charlie Sheen haven’t died.

Do we care what Tom Arnold thinks of Alberto Del Rio? No, but it’s sure good to know you’re still breathing, sir!


Editor’s Note: Brad Milner’s ‘Parts Unknown’ column will appear weekly on Byline Beat every Wednesday afternoon.